Welcome back!
After she left, I did a rather grand job with the egg gathering, if I do say so myself. There were more than a dozen chickens, and it took me only about an hour. When I was done, for all the work I did it felt as though it should be not eggs but loose diamonds that were in the basket. I felt like crying for my poor pooped on, hen pecked hands!
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When I was a child my parents took me camping once. They rented an rv and we went to a state park. I found it to be dreadfully boring and was glad when we finally went back home, but compared to this place, we were living high. The rv at least had air conditioning and a television. These people do not believe in either, apparently. Bit I digress.
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I awoke this morning, much too early, to the sound of the door being slammed. When I came downstairs, I was informed that I had overslept and missed breakfast. She did offer me a cup of coffee, but just stared at me when I asked what flavor. When she handed me a cup, I understood. She then told me it was time to gather the eggs, and led me outside, past a pen full of filthy pigs that needed wrinkle cream more than she does. Horrified, I realized that last evening’s repast had probably come out of that pen. I got even more queasy when she informed me that from now on egg gathering was my chore and that yes, I really was expected to put my hand under the chicken’s backside and feel around. I want to go home.
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Last evening was simply dreadful. When I was called down for the evening meal, I found that the main course was an extremely large piece of greasy pork, covered with sliced onions and served with a vile gravy that was tinged with red. Imagine my dismay when she announced that this was a special meal in honor of my arrival, and not to expect to eat this well all the time! And the way she ate! If anyone were ever in need of an appetite suppressant, it would be her. You would expect her to be obese, but she isn’t. I will have to find out her secret to keeping pounds off. After the meal I offered to help, and discovered to my horror that they wash dishes by hand! My nails will never recover! Bedtime came soon after the meal, and now here I am wondering what to do with myself, and wondering how they could possibly be tired so early.
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Well, I am here. Mother wasn’t kidding when she said the place was rustic, and why she thinks I need this experience is beyond me. Even the town is backward. What I initially mistook for a park with skateboard ramps turned out to be some kind of crop irrigation system with wooden water chutes. By the time we arrived at this cabin, I was certainly ready for a hot shower and a nap. To my surprise, they do not even have a shower! And my room is little more than an indoor hay loft! Just a single bed, small table, and a rope strung across one side of the room for hanging clothing on! How will I ever survive this summer?
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Regular visitors here are very familiar wth Momma’s trivia and commentaries, and have heard quite a bit about the new houseguest that she is being so sour about. Those of us who live here on Upsheidt Creek have learned over the years to take what Momma says with a pinch of salt, and are wondering if there really is more to the young houseguest than Momma says, or if she really is forever on a quest for the top diet pills and nothing else. We have decided to take a peek at select passages from her daily journals, and invite you to come along for the ride.
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TRIVIA:
Contrary to popular perception, marijuana is illegal in Jamaica. However, the U.S. Embassy estimates that, during the 1980s, the wholesale value of Jamaica’s ganja crop topped $1.5 billion—making it the nation’s largest cash crop.
…ya gotta winder, doncha, iffen it be illegal how they git away wi’ so much a it. Sound like they don’ be doin much else. Then agin, iffen ya go by what ya sees onna ads an onna television in this here country, you’d be thinkin we all gots bedroom problems, heart problems, an takes Vegas vacations ever other day. I guess ya jes have ta figger out what’s what an stick wi’ it, that’s all.
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TRIVIA:
In contrast to his exotic look and mannerisms, Andy Warhol was born and raised not in Europe, but in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.
…y’ know, I git blame sick a folks what spends they life tryin ta be what they ain’t. Take t’ little mesothelioma princess we got runnin round here fer example. Iffen she would ever give up puttin on airs an jes be hersel’, she might jes be almost tollerable.
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TRIVIA:
Other than tap water, coffee is the favorite beverage among adult Canadians, who reportedly consume an average of 2.6 cups per day.
…they shore don’ drink much a they favorite, does they. Takes more’n that ta git m’ toes tappin inna mornin. Not that miss prissy want ta hear em tap, no sirree bob. She be sayin all about how iffen we was t’ put down area rugs our shoes woulden clatter so. That be jes bout all I need, ta have ta take t’ time ta beat dust outa rugs ever week, like I ain’t got nuff ra do.
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TRIVIA:
John Batterson Stetson improved upon the basic design of the ten-gallon hat by forming the brim so that it kept the wind out of his face, and the rain off of his neck. He also allowed for an air chamber above the head to help keep it cool, and constructed the hat in such a way that it could be used to haul water and fan fires.
…them hats shore ain’t like that no more. Cost ya near as much as ta rent one a them luxury hotel rooms these days, an what they make em outa, won’t take t’ weather no way. Better off wi’ a plain ole straw hat, I be thinkin.
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